Taciturn

I have all these great ideas. I could write a utility to do X, Y and Z. It could do A2 and B3. Hell, it could even do Z3. That'd be awesome. I'll do it.

So the time comes. I sit down to write the code. I don't know where to start so I bring up some reference material. It's all so much more difficult when it comes time to write the code. I have less drive to do it, and less idea of where to start and what exactly to do. Even with the docs, I'm still lost. MSDN is a bitch, you can't find anything there. Not much useful info for application development, anyway.

I don't even know what I want to write. In the last week or two I'd have to have mentioned at least five things I'd like to code. One was a password resetting util meant to be faster to use than the remote desktop GUI method currently used, but I found a 5-line VBScript that would do it, and decided that a 200-line program to do the same thing would be grounds for being bashed by a narki VBScript coder. Plus I just lost interest. I don't really know why.

The other app was suggested by a co-worker. The idea was to be an all-in-one computer administration app that would foremost allow identification of a particular computer based on its physical location. That means there'd be a large GUI component, and I have no idea about GUIs. Demonstrated by my second-time failure of Delphi. Fuck it.

It'd be a nice app to write, but shit — it means bringing together so many APIs. So many proprietary APIs that are going to change for each version. I'd be writing it all in my own time, of course. Work time is filled up with being the brunt of frustration because the proprietary server shat itself and we don't know where to find the data, and even if we could find it, how to convert it back to human-readable format. Oh, I love undocumented binary formats.

No, I didn't really look. I just assumed. It's probably all there in an open book with my name written in permanent marker across the top. Prove me wrong, I don't care. It wouldn't be the first time.

Anyway, my job isn't to write software. I guess it's more of a dream, and certainly more of a dream than of a reality. I still haven't written anything worth reporting on. It's always yeah, I could code that!, but when the time comes I do fuck all.

Maybe it's all too difficult. I live in a world where people I like to identify as being similar to me have written an OS and a whole bundle of software. What have I written? Some PHP scripts that access some SQL statements. A few 30-line apps to make small use of the C string library to perform some near useless function. Wow, I'm such a good coder.

I think I'll go back to being a big cloud of dunno. Yeah, Fran says it best. I'm probably just tired.

And as a final note, it feels fucking fantastic to be back to NIN. I'd been listening to dance/chillout music. Lots of di.fm. Last night I came home and thought I want to hear a NIN song. They never get old. Tomorrow I am going to buy And All That Could Have Been. Fuckit, I've seen the whole thing several times and it's great. Now I can afford it, and it's going to be my first NIN purchase. I owe Trent. Fuck he's awesome.